my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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