I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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