The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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