i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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