You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
