wrigley field is MILF paradise
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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