At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
