Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
