Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
