I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the raccoons are back...
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