Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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