have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
