dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
