so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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