The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
my liver is dry heaving
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
