Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
