So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
