He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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