Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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