Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
