I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
