Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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