im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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