You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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