If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
