dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
