I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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