She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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