Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
