dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
