If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone signed my nipple.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
