two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
