She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
