Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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