im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
