Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
