I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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