someone owes me an orgasm
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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