I can tuck mytits in my pants
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
