If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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