You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
