The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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