i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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