It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
