She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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