i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
