Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
