my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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