Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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