do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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