come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
