I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
