Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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