I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
