you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
