if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
