either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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