Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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